Dont Take A Slice of My Pie
by randomprecision
Summary: Inuyasha reveals a heart-wrenching secret that he's kept hidden for so long. Will it effect the Shikon Jewel? Will his enemies use it against him? And, most importantly, will Kagome be able to accept Inuyasha for who he is? [Is now COMPLETE! oooh spiffy]
1. The Confession

Inuyasha stared at the crescent moon above them as he and Kagome sat leaning against a tree on top of a small hill in the center of a deserted field, staring at the sky. It brought back to him memories of crescants, pastries he had often noticed--no, often _desired_-- in the inviting glass windows of bakeries and bread shops that he visited in Kagome's time. Although Kagome was not a huge fan of these pastry market stores and preferred to simply walk past them, ignoring the enticing scent of bread baking and the alluring warmth of the various baked goods, lying fresh from the oven under the display glass, Inuyasha often longed--some would even say_ lusted_--after the sweet, sweet, cinnamon, sugar, and flour.   
  
"Inuyasha?" asked Kagome, breaking Inuyasha from his fantasies.  
  
"Yeah?" asked Inuyasha, glancing down at Kagome who was leaning on his shouldar.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" she asked curiously, looking at him cutely with dark brown eyes.   
  
"You, of course, my love." said Inuyasha, snuggling up to Kagome and rubbing his nose against hers.   
  
Kagome smiled sweetly and turned her brown eyes back towards the starry sky. 'He loves me so much.' she thought happily to herself. She watched as a shooting star glided through space and then turned her gaze back towards Inuyasha.  
  
He was staring with intense gold eyes at something off in the distance, beyond the burning orbs of light above them, no doubt thinking deeply of his decision about the Shikon Jewel. They had finally put it together earlier that day and Inuyasha had yet to choose between becoming full demon or not. Kagome wondered if maybe Inuyasha would become full human and live with her in her time.  
  
"Inuyasha... about the jewel..." said Kagome cautiously, staring at a small ant that was crawling across a blade of grass a few inches from her sneakers.  
  
Inuyasha did not reply. He had not heard Kagome, as he had been too engrossed in a deep reverie in which he was lying in a tub of hot, steaming cake batter while flocks of dripping, glazed doughnuts smothered in hot pink icing and coated in lime green sprinkles danced erotically on his naked, batter-coated body, while various blueberry muffins rubbed lustfully against his cinnamon-caked face singing the Threes Company theme song in German.  
  
"Inuyasha?" asked Kagome worriedly, tugging on his sleeve.  
  
"Huh?" mumbled Inuyasha, snapping back to reality.  
  
"What are you going to do about the jewel?" asked Kagome, staring into Inuyasha's golden brown eyes.   
  
"What jewel?" asked Inuyasha. Then, suddenly remembering where he was, he muttered "I dunno."  
  
Kagome smiled warmly and cuddled up even closer to Inuyasha, wrapping her arms around his neck. She reached out an arm and stroked Inuyasha's dog ears, resting her head on his shouldar.   
  
"That's OK. Take all the time you want to decide." said Kagome.   
  
"Sure." said Inuyasha, trying to reel his fantasy back in but realizing with dismay that it had swum much too far out.   
  
"I love you." said Kagome softly, closing her eyes and rubbing Inuyasha's ears with more vigor.  
  
"Ditto." said Inuyasha.   
  
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Kagome resting soundly on Inuyasha.   
  
Inuyasha thought back to the blueberry muffins. How he longed for them to mash together in ectasy throughout his long silver hair, leaving stains of blue and clumps of crumbs tangled within the thick strands. How he craved for the cool feel of the cream filling roughly squeezed from a Twinkee oozing down his face and dripping from his chin. He groaned in pleasure, imagining the sensual feel of various loaves of Italian bread playing hide and seek in his nose.   
  
Kagome giggled, pausing in her ear massage.  
  
"You like that, dont you?" she asked flirtasciously.  
  
"Oh, yeah..." gasped Inuyasha, still absorbed in his world of baked goods.   
  
"Inuyasha! Kagome!" called Shippo, running up the hill.   
  
"What is it, Shippo?" asked Kagome.   
  
"Have you decided what you should do with the Shikon jewel yet?" asked Shippo. "We would all like to know."  
  
"Yes, Shippo... I _have_ made a decision..." said Inuyasha seriously. "Come, Kagome. I have an announcement to make."  
  
Kagome looked at him confusedly and followed Inuyasha and Shippo down the hill to a small camp site where Sango and Miroku were waiting.   
  
"He has an announcement to make!" said Shippo, plopping down on a log.   
  
"Oh?" asked Miroku.  
  
"Yes... Kagome, you better sit down." said Inuyasha. Kagome, still confused, walked over next to Sango and sat down in the grass. They all watched, waiting.  
  
Inuyasha took a deep breath.   
  
"What I have to tell you is not so much an announcement as... a confession." he said slowly.  
  
"A confession?" Miroku asked suspiciously.  
  
"Yes... you see... all this time, I've been pretending." said Inuyasha, looking down at the ground.   
  
"Pretending what?" asked Sango. Kagome waited in suspense.  
  
"I... am not a demon." said Inuyasha, exhaling in relief at having admitted the secret.  
  
"You AREN'T?" gasped Sango in disbelief. Kagome just stared.   
  
"What the hell ARE you, then?" asked Miroku.  
  
"My friends... all this time... I have been..." began Inuyasha.  
  
They all waited for his explanation.  
  
"...a pie." he finished.  
  
"A WHAT?" shrieked Kagome.  
  
"I... I never knew!" said Miroku.   
  
"Inuyasha, why didn't you tell us?" asked Sango.  
  
"I dont know... You just all assumed I was a half demon... that seemed much cooler than a pie... so I went along with it." said Inuyasha.  
  
Miroku stared at Inuyasha in disbelief. Although, the longer he looked, the more he saw that Inuyasha really was a pie. He wondered how he didn't see it before. The signs were so obvious.  
  
"Kagome... I know this must be the greatest shock to you." said Inuyasha.  
  
"I fucked a PIE?" screamed Kagome suddenly.  
  
"I'm the same as before, Kagome! I'm still the same pie you loved ten minutes ago." said Inuyasha, on the verge of tears.  
  
Kagome jumped and ran from the campsite crying, her face buried in her hands.   
  
"Kagome!" cried Sango, standing up the follow her.  
  
"No!" said Inuyasha. "Let her run."  
  
Sango paused. After a moment she nodded and sat down.  
  
"You slept in late." said Kaede the next morning to Kagome as she wandered into the kitchen area of the hut.  
  
"Yeah... the news last night just wore me out." said Kagome, sitting down for some hearty Japanese tea. After the news, Kagome ran to Kaede's spacious hut and spent the night.   
  
"Ye should not be so surprised." said Kaede, pouring some hearty Japanese tea into Kagome's cup.   
  
"You knew?" asked Kagome, taking a sip of her hearty Japanese tea.  
  
Kaede nodded, setting down her cup of hearty Japanese tea.  
  
"I've been suspicious for a while now... He had all the obvious signs..." said Kaede wisely.  
  
"I just cant believe it... Inuyasha... a pie." said Kagome, finishing her cup of hearty Japanese tea.   
  
"It will take some getting used to, that's for sure... but I'm sure you'll learn to accept Inuyasha for the pie he is." said Kaede.  
  
"I guess." said Kagome. She poured herself a second cup of hearty Japanese tea. 


	2. The Lotion

MEANWHILE... AT THE CAMPSITE   
  
"I shouldn't have told you." said Inuyasha to Miroku the next morning, while Kagome was sipping Hearty Japanese Tea at Kaede's.   
  
"You had to, Inuyasha. We would have found out sooner or later that you were... a pie." said Miroku slowly, still in disbelief that Inuyasha had been a pie all this time.   
  
"I mean, you couldn't have kept it a secret forever..."  
  
"But now Kagome hates me!" wailed Inuyasha. "My life is ruined! All because I'm a stupid PIE!"  
  
"She dosen't hate you! She's just no used to it... she'll come around." said Miroku unconvincly.  
  
"Yeah, right." said Inuyasha, tears spilling down his cheeks [on his face, perverts]. "You know what they say about pies."   
  
Miroku stared at him for a few seconds before saying confusedly,  
  
"Um, no. What do they say about pies?"   
  
Inuyasha tried to dry his eyes with his sleeve. He took a deep breath before he choked out, _"A penny saved is a penny earned!"  
_  
Miroku blinked. "Uh, Inuyasha, that has nothing to do with pies--"  
  
"Oh, forget it! You wouldn't understand what's it like to be a PIE!" shrieked Inuyasha. With that he turned around and ran sobbing into the woods.   
  
"Wait! Inuyasha!" called Miroku, jogging up to the edge of the woods. Inuyasha's sobs were now faint cries in the distance. Miroku stopped slowly and leaned against a tree.  
  
"I _do_ know what it's like..." Miroku said to himself.   
  
MEANWHILE... AT KAEDE'S  
  
"Kagome? Kagome, are you here?" said Sango loudly, walking through Kaede's hut.  
  
"Sango?" said Kagome.  
  
Sango heard Kagome's voice and followed it into the kitchen, patting it on the head and giving it a tasty biscuit on arrival for being such a helpful guide.   
  
"We wondered where you ran off to." said Sango, sitting down at the table with Kagome.   
  
"I just needed to get away." said Kagome, taking a swig of Hearty Japanese Tea from a tea kettle in front of her.  
  
"Look, Kagome... I know you're surprised... and probably confused..." started Sango, moving five or six empty tea cups away from her so that she could fold her hands on the table.  
  
"I'm not confused... just disappointed." interrupted Kagome.  
  
"Why are you disappointed?" asked Sango.  
  
"This tea... it only comes in three flavors... I guess I knew all along that Kaede didn't have much variety, but sitting here drinking cup after cup I finally realize the true stinginess of her groceries... that cheap _bitch_." said Kagome.  
  
"Kagome, I'm taking about the fact that INUYASHA IS A PIE." said Sango.   
  
"Oh. That." said Kagome. "How is he?"  
  
"Not well. Miroku said he ran crying into the woods this morning." said Sango.   
  
"Then I must go find him!" cried Kagome suddenly, standing up and slamming her kettle down, spilling the contents onto the table.   
  
"Maybe it's just all this tea talking... or maybe it's something _more_... but I must find my love and bring him back to where he belongs!" said Kagome.  
  
"Kagome... this isn't tea." said Sango, leaning down towards the puddle on the table and sniffing it.  
  
"So what if he's a pie? So what if I'm a human? I'm going to prove to the world that pastries and humans can live in harmony... _and love!"_ shrieked Kagome dramatically.  
  
"...This is transmission fluid."  
  
"Goodbye, Sango! I fare thee well! I am off to find my love!" And with that, Kagome ran off into the crop fields outside the hut.   
  
"Come on, Shippo... we can go inside my hut... No one is there anymore, I just saw Kagome run out through the feilds." said Kaede, guiding Shippo onto the porch steps.  
  
Shippo giggled. "This is so exciting." he whispered, clutching Kaede's hand tighter.  
  
"I know it is." said Kaede, opening the door.  
  
They walked out into the living room, still holding hands. Shippo eyed the futon couch sitting against the wall and grinned at Kaede.   
  
"I was thinking the same thing." said Kaede, as they both sank down into the cushions, with Shippo on the bottom.  
  
He reached up and started unbuttoning Kaede's shirt while Kaede removed the green bow from Shippo's head.  
  
"Hurry, Shippo... I can wait no more..." said Kaede, leaning in closer to the young fox's face.  
  
Shippo lifted his head and french kissed Kaede for a full seven seconds.  
  
"Oh, Shippo... you are so small... and yet so big." said Kaede, taking off the last of Shippo's garments.   
  
"And so are you." said Shippo, doing the same.  
  
Sango walked aimlessly into the room, about to leave through the front door.  
  
"Sango!" demanded Kaede, startled, "What YE be doing here??"  
  
Sango screamed and ran full speed out the door to the campsite, pausing only to vomit on an unsuspecting shrub named Herbert a few yards from the house.  
  
"INUYASHA! INUYASHA! MY LO--AHHH" screamed Kagome, tripping over an inconveinantly placed rock and sprawling out onto the forest floor.  
  
She spit out a mouthful of mud and sat up quickly, only to discover her entire front was smeared with dirt and grime.  
  
"Inuyasha, where ARE YOU?" demanded Kagome.  
  
"He's not here." said an ominous voice.  
  
Kagome whipped around.  
  
"Oh, it's just you, Miroku." she said, sighing in relief. She stood up.   
  
"He went back to the campsite." explained Miroku.  
  
"Oh." said Kagome.  
  
They stood in silence for a few moments before Miroku said,  
  
"You know, Kagome... I understand what you're going through."   
  
"You do? How?" asked Kagome.   
  
"Well, see, once when I was little... I was in ballet." he started. "And all the other kids never sweat that much... and one day... I got really sweaty... and there were stains all over my armpits..."  
  
Kagome's eyes widened in horror and sympathy.  
  
"And I knew everyone was looking at them... So I told them that my sister put lotion on my leotard to get back at me for something and make it LOOK like I had armpit stains." finished Miroku.   
  
"Oh, Miroku... I never knew." said Kagome.  
  
"So you see... I know how you felt when you found out Inuyasha was a pie. It was like being in a ballet class and having armpit stains and telling everyone it was lotion." said Miroku wisely.  
  
Kagome nodded, with a new level of respect for Miroku.  
  
"Come on," she said. "Let's go back to the campsite." 


	3. The Horror

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Inuyasha glanced up from the log he was sitting on at the campsite.  
  
"Sango?" he asked.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!! THE HORROR!!! ME EYES!!!! THEY BURNSES!!! THEY FREEZES!!!" screamed Sango, desperately crawling towards Inuyasha.  
  
"Sango! What's wrong?" he asked.  
  
"Sango, wait! We can explain!" yelled Shippo, who was running after Sango with Kaede in tow.  
  
"NO!!! DEAR GOD, NO!!" screamed Sango, leaping behind a log and curling up into the fetal position.  
  
"What's going on here?" asked Inuyasha as Shippo and Kaede approached him.  
  
"We have a confession to make." said Kaede. Shippo nodded.  
  
"What is it?" asked Inuyasha.  
  
"It's when you admit something you've done, but that's not the point." said Kaede. "We shall reveal it when all members here are present. Miroku and Kagome appear to be missing."   
  
"Miroku went into the woods to look for Sango about ten minutes ago." said Inuyasha. "He's probably still in there."  
  
"Ah. But then where is Kagome?" asked Kaede.  
  
"She went to find Inuyasha." piped up Sango from behind the log.  
  
"What's going on here?" asked Miroku as he and Kagome entered the campsite.  
  
"THE HORROR..." gasped Sango, clutching Miroku's robes and shaking him frantically. "The _horror_."

Miroku blinked.   
  
"Ah! Now that we have all gathered, Shippo and I can reveal our secret." said Kaede.  
  
Inuyasha, Miroku and Kagome sat down on a log confusedly, anxious to hear what Kaede and Shippo would say. Sango returned to the safety of the log she had been hiding behind.   
  
"Now... for quite some time now... Shippo and I have been..." began Kaede. She seemed unable to finish.  
  
"Gay lovers." continued Shippo.  
  
"What??" shrieked Kagome.  
  
"Shippo's a GUY?" said Inuyasha.   
  
"At first it was just a few dates here and there... nothing much... but then... things went much further... and we felt the need to tell you." said Kaede.  
  
"Yes. We even have three children." said Shippo.  
  
"Wait, if you're gay, how can you have children?" asked Miroku.  
  
"Magic herbs." said Kaede.  
  
"OH! So THAT'S why you were always giving those herbs to Shippo." said Kagome.  
  
Kaede nodded.  
  
Miroku stood up.  
  
"Well, now that that's out in the open... I, too, have something to confess." said Miroku.  
  
"What is it?" asked Sango, sitting up.  
  
"I am not who you think I am." said Miroku ominously.  
  
"Then... who are you?" asked Inuyasha.  
  
Miroku pulled open his robes to reveal a long, hard, shiny, golden zipper.  
  
He unzipped it and stepped out of his monk costume to reveal that he was in fact...  
  
"Miroku! Why didn't you tell us you were Barney the Dinosaur?" asked Kagome.  
  
"BARNEY!" shrieked various little Shippo/Kaede children, running out of their hiding places in the bushes towards Miroku/Barney.  
  
"Well, this explains a few things." said Sango.  
  
"But why? Why did you disguise yourself as a monk?" asked Kaede as the children leapt all over Barney.  
  
"I dunno." said Miroku.  
  
"Miroku... now that you're being honest... I must be, too." said Sango, walking towards the big purple dinosaur.  
  
"I, too, am not who you think I am." she said.  
  
She pulled off her mask to reveal that she was not, in fact, Sango, but... JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!  
  
"Sango...! You...!" said Kagome in astonishment.  
  
"Well, that explains a few things." said Barney.   
  
"Do you still love me, Barney?" asked Justin Timberlake.  
  
"Of course I do!" said Barney.  
  
And with that, Barney and Justin Timberlake broke out into a duet of "Rock Your Body" with the Kaede/Shippo children as back up singers. They later became the musical sensation that's taking America by storm and produced 4 platinum albums, won 2 Grammys, and starred in their own movie entitled "From Justin To Barney" which made approximately $13.57 in the box office before they all became crack addicts and Barney decided to leave the band to persue a solo career where he made a not-so-decent living in a trailer park, receiving $2.34 per album sold, making his grand total $2.34 for the one album which he bought himself.  
  
"Inuyasha?" said Kagome.  
  
"Yes?" asked Inuyasha.  
  
"I'm sorry I freaked out about you being a pie." she said. "I should have been more understanding."   
  
"No, it's my fault. I should have told you earlier." said Inuyasha.  
  
"Well, at any rate, I have something to confess to YOU." said Kagome.  
  
"You do? What?" asked Inuyasha, not very surprised after hearing the earlier confessions. "Are you really someone else?"   
  
"Oh no, I'm really a human named Kagome... but there's something I didn't tell you..." she said.   
  
"I'M WITH THE FBI! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!" she screeched, whipping out her spiffy FBI badge.  
  
FBI officers leapt out of the shrubberies and surrounded Inuyasha, waving their rifles menacingly and screaming orders.  
  
"What...?! I didn't do anything!" said Inuyasha.  
  
"We have evidence that proves otherwise." said Kagome. "It seems you've been running your own website."  
  
Inuyasha was silent.  
  
"A website devoted to ILLEGAL PORNOGRAPHY!" she screamed.  
  
"I didn't do nothing!" insisted Inuyasha, in COPS fashion.   
  
"We found pictures of NAKED donut holes in erotic posistions that couldn't have been more than THREE DAYS OLD!" continued Kagome. "You sick pervert! We found enough Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs to keep you locked up for a long time."  
  
The agents grabbed Inuyasha and dragged him over to the SWAT team vehicle.  
  
"And I would have gotten away with it, too!" said Inuyasha. "If it wasn't for those meddling pennies!"  
  
"Tell it to the judge." said Kagome.  
  
The FBI team drove away with Inuyasha and Kagome, Shippo, Kaede, Barney, Justin Timberlake and The Shippo/Kaede-ettes were left standing in the middle of the campsite.  
  
"Wait, what happened to the Shikon Jewel?" asked Barney suddenly.  
  
"I still have it. And I can do WHATEVER I want with it!" she said evilly, pulling it out of her pocket.  
  
Suddenly, a giant moose in outer space ate the Earth and everyone died.  
  
THE END!


End file.
